after the funeral
by chorima
Summary: Sequel of Sparkhouse, a Wuthering Heights – inspired BBC TV series. The day of Andrew's funeral, Carol wonders about her future. Will she lose John as well? With Richard Armitage as John Standring and Sara Smart as Carol Bolton.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter I

Carol walks alone across the misty moor. The wind makes her shiver and her teeth chatter. Andrew appears behind her and puts his arms gently around her. Carol leans her neck against his and feels his lips on her cheek. It is not cold any more. Suddenly, she feels something wet in the hands she caresses. She lowers her eyes to look and screams. It is blood! Andrew's hands are covered in blood. Carol stops hugging him and turns around, terrified. She has time to see Andrew falling to the floor with glassy eyes, his wrists tainted in red. Soon, everything vanishes and Carol wakes up. She remembers then she will not see him again. Never ever. Andrew cut his veins two weeks ago.

Carol looks at the alarm clock in the bedside table. It is only two in the morning. She is unable to remember the last night she slept soundly. She is alone in the bed. Since Andrew's death, John has not tried to share it with her. He said nothing. He just lies down in the couch every night and pretends to fall asleep while he watches TV. Sometimes Lisa covers him with a blanket. Carol sits on the bed, with a sad face. John… he barely spoke to her since that night. In fact, he seems unable to look into her eyes. His silence hurts more than a slap.

The calendar in the alarm clock reminds Carol that today is the day of Andrew's funeral. It got delayed because of the autopsy. Why did they bother to perform it? Will it explain why a man who had everything wished to die? Carol pulls her hair back and gets up from bed. She is thirsty. She decides to go down to the kitchen for a glass of water. To her surprise, John is awake in the couch. Carol hides in the staircase, without daring to enter. John is holding Carol's _Wuthering Heights _copy, the same one she used to read with Andrew at their shelter in the moor.

"The clown at my elbow, who is drinking his tea out of a basin, and eating his bread with unwashed hands, may be her husband", she hears him stammer.

Carol remembers Andrew's voice, reading those very words. The singing of a nightingale compared to the caws of a crow. She cannot stand it anymore. She runs towards John and wrenches the book away from his hand.

"Stop spoiling it!"

John stares at her like a dog which has just been beaten. He stands up slowly.

"I couldn't sleep. I have an important appointment tomorrow at the bank, about the tenancy". He seems about to cry. "I know how much you like this book. I thought I would read it. Despite what you think, I'm not illiterate."

Carol clutches the book to her chest.

"You think I don't know what's the problem?" John sighs, "The problem is I'm not him. Well, you know what? I'm happy I'm not him. Because when I had the chance to be with you, I grabbed it with both hands… even when it was the worst mistake I ever made in my life."

Without even putting on his shoes, he stormsoutside.

"John, it's cold", Carol says, "You'll freeze to death".

"Hope so!" he shouts and slams the door.

John's rage does not last very long. The cold wind managesto calm it down. He then realises he is outside in the middle of the night, in a T-shirt, and his feet are full of mud. His left temple is hurting again, just where Andrew hit him with the stone. John sits on a stool, next to a barrel full of rainwater. He takes the handkerchief out of his pocket and wets it. He places it against his temple and feels relieved. It is an unbearable pain which appears from time to time. And with it, it comes out the image he would like to forget and cannot: Carol aiming at him with the rifle, yelling at him to let Andrew go.

John hides his head in his hands. He was a fool for building his hopes up, for thinking she would love him. Suddenly, he notices something wet against his knuckles. It is Ian, the dog, licking his hand. John smiles coyly and pets it. He remembers the day Andrew came to brag about his chubby baby. They had more words of praise for the dog than for him. "The grumpy bastard", that is what Carol called him. Maybe that is what he always was for her, John thinks. What is he going to do? He knows he is entitled to half of the farm, but he does not wish to claim it. They say Broadbent wants to hire more staff in a month. Would he give him his old job back? With the money he still has, it will not be difficult to rent a bedsit. Yes, he will lose everything his grandfather left to him, but it is not a very high price if he can sleep again. John holds Ian tighter. His tears wet the dog's back.

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When Carol comes down for breakfast, the couch is empty. John's wedding outfit is hanging from a chair, perfectly ironed. She remembers then she heard him in the shower, before coming down. Carol feels guilty. She seems to be throwing him out of the house little by little. Lisa is in the kitchen, making breakfast. She turns to her.

"Fancy a cuppa?" she asks.

Carol nods. "Do you need a lift to school or are you going with John?"

Lisa gives her the cup and looks at her defiant.

"No need", she says, "Becky is taking me".

"Andrew's wife?"

"She leaves today for the south. She's going to live with her parents. She says she wants to say goodbye. Is that alright with you?"

Carol tries to smile.

"Of course it is. I know she was a good friend to you."

Lisa smiles and then turns to keep with what she is doing. Carol grabs a biscuit and decides to have breakfast outside. It is a warm morning, but she is shivering. She sips her tea and looks through the window towards the interior of the house. She sees John coming downstairs, in a white T- shirt and with a towel around his waist. He stops in front of the couch and starts getting dressed. He gets his trousers and turns to the girl.

"Look the other way, Lisa. I'm taking off the towel."

Lisa seems amused.

"And what I'm going to see? Those ridiculous pink pants you're wearing?"

John gets red and puts on the trousers as quick as he can.

"If they are pink, it is because certain lassie put her fuchsia top in the washing machine with the whites. Do you know that lassie?"

They look at one another and burst into laughter. Even Carol, from outside, cannot help a giggle. Suddenly, Lisa leaves what she is doing and becomes serious.

"John… you and I, what are we?"

John finishes buttoning his trousers.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you my brother-in-law? Or are you my stepfather?"

John looks at her tenderly.

"I'm… a friend who loves you to bits, Lisa".

Carol feels a knot in her stomach. She leans against the stone wall and keeps listening.

"I don't want him for a father", Lisa is saying.

"What are you talking about, little one?" John asks.

"Andrew… I never liked him. I always thought he was a mummy's boy. I don't want him to be my dad", Lisa stares at John, "I wish it were you. I wish you were my dad!"

Outside, Carol is on the verge of crying. John smirks, goes towards Lisa and holds her gently by the shoulder.

"You mustn't say that, Lisa. In any case, he was your dad and you must respect him. Anyway, if I were your dad, I should be in jail."

"Why?"

"I'm eight years older than Carol. It doesn't matter now, because we are both adults, but when she gave birth she was a child. It would have been a crime."

Carol feels something warm sliding down her pyjama top. She realises she spiltthe tea over herself. At that moment, Becky's car appears down the road. Carol does not feel like talking to her, but there is no place to hide. Becky gets out of the car, in an impeccable black dress. She puts her sunglasses as a hair band, looks at her from head to toe, and smiles ironically. Carol feels like an idiot.

"Good morning. Is Lisa ready?"

"She's… she's finishing breakfast", Carol stammers, "She said you're leaving today to go to your parents'".

"There's nothing to keep me here. In any case, there will be nobody left in the house. Mrs. Lawton leaves with her sister today, after the funeral. And Dr. Lawton leaves tomorrow for London."

The door's creakinginterrupts their conversation. It is John, who leaves for the bank. He is wearing his wedding outfit and has just shaved. Becky thinks he looks sad. Carol surprises herself thinking he looks very handsome.

"Good morning, Becky", John says, "I'm very sorry for your loss."

Becky smiles and clasps his hand, thankful. John turns to Carol, he actually looks at her feet.

"I'll take the opportunity to run some errands in the city. I'll be back late".

"Fine."

Carol does not know why she does it. On impulse, she stands on tiptoe and kisses his cheek. He frowns, annoyed. He gets in the car and starts the engine, without looking back even once. The fumes from the exhaust pipe almost suffocate Carol.

"He's not going to stay", she hears Becky speaking next to her.

She does not answer. She twirls the cup between her hands several times, inadvertently. Becky points to the door.

"I'm going to fetch Lisa. Can you keep an eye on my baby?"

Carol nods. After Becky leaves, she looks through the car window. Baby Tom is sleeping soundly in his baby seat. How could Andrew do this to him? How could he leave him? She would have never been able to abandon Lisa. Never, not even at her lowest moments. Tom wakes up and looks at her with his huge eyes. He has his father's eyes.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

John parks the car in the moor and changes his shoes for hiking boots. He walks slowly towards the ruined farmhouse. He always hated that place and now with more motives than ever. He remembers the day after Andrew's death, when Lisa and him went to look for Carol. He could not believe his eyes. That same farmhouse… the place where his wife met Andrew in secret. As a child, John had cursed that place. Now the farmhouse laughs in his face, reminding him it is going to take everything from him once again. John enters. There is stuff from the paramedicsscattered on the floor and drops of blood, at the place where Andrew cut his veins. Other things have been there longer. Two car seats, burned candles, an old duvet full of damp…and there, engraved on the stone wall, their names:

CAROL + ANDREW

Marking their territory. Only it is not theirs. John touches the stone with his hand, angry.

"I was here first."

He goes to the other side of the farmhouse and kneels next to the wall. It has been more than twenty years. Will it be there still? He removes one of the stones and smiles when finding it. Covered in mud, missing a wheel, but with the red and white still intact. His little sister's Starsky and Hutch car. He had hidden it there to make her angry. He twirls it between his fingers. What would Carol say if she knew that farmhouse had been his? If she knew those ruins could have been his family's farm?

xxxxxxxxx

Carol has changed clothes three times. She shakes her head and changes again. She knows she must hurry. It is almost two in the afternoon and the funeral is starting in half an hour. She finally settles for grey trousers and a black knitwear pullover. She will also wear her trench. What will she do about her hair? Will it be better loose or in a bun? She looks at herself in the mirror and feels stupid. She is going to a funeral, not to a party. Andrew does not care about the way she looks. The telephone rings downstairs. Carol grabs her bag and trench, goes down and picks it up, absent-minded.

"Hello?"

It is a woman's voice.

"Ms. Carol Bolton? This is Ms. Grey, from Halifax Bank. I just wanted to know if your husband is feeling better."

Carol frowns, shocked.

"What happened? Is there any problem with the tenancy?"

"No, it's not about that. In fact, we are impressed with the improvements you made in such a short time. I just wanted to know what the doctor told Mr. Standring."

Carol's heart starts beating fast.

"My husband did not come back since this morning", she feels her throat dry. "Please tell me what happened to him."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter II

Carol is driving very nervous, reminding herself she must not run. It started drizzling as soon as she left the house, and the last thing she needs is to skid the car. Ms. Grey had been very patient with her.

"Your husband wouldn't stop winking and touching his temple during the interview", she had explained, "When I asked him if he was OK, he told me he had fell against a stonewall two weeks ago. In fact, the scar is very visible". Carol had hated herself when hearing that. "We offered him a glass of water, but he seemed to be in deep pain. We practically forced him to go to hospital… he said it was nothing." Carol had shaken her head. "No, we didn't let him drive. We asked for a cab for him. Do you know where the local hospital is?"

Yes, Carol knows. She crosses Halifax city centre at full speed, parks in forbidden zone and storms in the casualty room. John is not there. He never was. The receptionist offers to give her the phones of other hospitals in the area, but Carol says no. She thanks her, goes out and phones the bank again on her mobile.

"Ms. Grey? Sorry for bothering you again. No, they know nothing about my husband at the hospital. Can you give me the name of the cab company? They will be able to tell us where they took him."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Carol feels confused while she drives towards Leeds General Infirmary. Why would John go so far? There are several medical centres nearer. The casualty room is overcrowded when she enters. The receptionist is very kind to her. Maybe because Carol is as white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf.

"We discharged your husband almost an hour ago. You have nothing to worry about. Mr. Standring left unaided."

Carol breathes relieved and clings to the counter. Suddenly, she feels a hand on her shoulder. She turns and sees an Afro-Caribbean middle-aged nurse, with round glasses held by a chain.

"Are you Ralphie's wife?"

Carol smiles. It is true. John's full name is "Ralph John Standring". She teased him very often about that.

"I'm Sister Dixon. You can call me Nelly. I've known your husband since he was a small child… and you're even prettier than he said."

Her sweet expression invites Carol to trust her.

"Ralphie only needs to rest, that's all", Nelly explains. "The doctor told him he was very lucky. An inch higher and the blow would have been fatal."

Carol puts a hand on her forehead, feeling she is going to faint. Even if it pains her to admit it, Andrew behaved like a beast that day. He could have killed John! Nelly strokes her cheek.

"Poor thing! You got scared. Do you want to have a coffee? I would like to speak to you a little, if you don't mind."

Carol nods her head.

The hospital's canteen is almost empty at that time. Carol and Nelly sit next to the window, with two steaming coffee cups.

"I first met Ralphie when he was eight", Nelly starts to speak. "They brought him to the casualty room, with a concussion. The day of the accident."

"What accident?"

"Hasn't he told you?", the nurse looks at her astonished. "Of course, you have not been married very long."

"Less than a month", Carol sighs. She tries to warm her hands with the coffee.

Nelly rests her elbows on the table and smiles shyly.

"Forgive me. Sometimes I speak too much. Perhaps… perhaps it should be Ralphie who told you."

Carol holds her by the arm.

"Please. You must know that he's not very talkative. I need to know."

Nelly removes her glasses and rubs her nose bridge. She takes a deep breath.

"Ralphie was in a car with his family. It had rained all day and they skidded on the road. He was in a coma for a week. He woke up to find out that his parents and his little sister had died." The nurse sips her coffee. "He had to stay for a long time in the hospital. Apart from the blow to his head, he had very serious injuries in his legs. He practically had to learn how to walk again."

Carol remembers then that she saw a huge scar on his tight during their wedding night.

"All the nurses loved him to bits. He was as uncomplaining as a lamb. Did you get to know his grandfather?"

"Just superficially."

"A decent man. He brought Ralphie up. Unfortunately, he started suffering from Alzheimer when your husband was eighteen."

"Yes. John looked after him until he died. I remember it well."

"That's the reason I'm so happy you have your own farm", Nelly goes on. "It always was Ralphie's dream. He had started studying Agriculture at college, but he had to quit in order to look after his grandfather."

Carol raises her eyebrows, surprised.

"John? In college?"

Nelly gives her a severe look.

"I'm conscious that some people think he is a simpleton. But it's not his fault. He had no long-term effects after the coma, only it takes him a little to react when people speaks to him."

Carol hides her face behind her coffee. Nelly sweetens her expression.

"When he got the job at your farm, it was the first time in ages I saw him smile."

The girl wrinkles her nose and giggles in disbelief.

"My father was a bully and a drunkard. How could he be happy to work for him?"

"He was aware of what your father was like. He was thankful because he never complained if he needed free time to take care of his granddad. But that was all. Ralphie hated the way in which your father treated you. In fact, he made him angry by taking your part a hundred times."

"I never knew that John took my part." Carol seems pleasantly surprised. Nelly smiles when she notices it and keeps talking.

"If Ralphie was happy at your farm, it was because of you and your little sister. Then, he frequently came to the hospital with his granddad. I took him for coffee whenever I could. I knew Ralphie had nobody else to talk. His face brightened each time he mentioned you two." Nelly finishes her coffee and leaves the cup to one side. "I know he adores your little sister Lisa. She was five when Ralphie first met her. Same age as his little sister when she died."

Carol's expression becomes sad. She tries to drink her coffee, but realises it went cold.

"However, it was you he talked about the most. He never admitted it, but I know he fancied you from the beginning. He told me the first thing you did was looking at him from head to toe and shout: 'Gosh, you're big!'. He got so nervous that he dropped his hammer and hit his foot." Nelly laughs. "He went as red as a tomato while he told me."

Now it is Carol who gets red. She remembers that day very well. She had escaped to the moor soon after, to see Andrew. Both had been laughing for a while at the "clumsy lad" her father had hired.

"The doctor and I told him off today. Ralphie should have come to the hospital the day he fell. Given his history, any head injury has to be closely monitored. We ordered him complete rest for a week."

"I'll make sure he does it", Carol promises. "Even if I have to tie him to the bed."

Nelly holds her hand and looks into her eyes.

"Look after my boy, Carol. And, please, love him very much. He deserves to be happy."

TO BE CONTINUED


	3. Chapter 3

**WARNING: **This chapter contains sex scenes and rememberance of rape.

Chapter III

Carol arrives home exhausted. It is already dark. Typical Yorkshire winter. She sees light in the kitchen and wonders if John came back. She parks in the barn and gets off the car. Suddenly, her foot knocks against something. She feels a lump in her throat when she realises it is the rifle with which she aimed at her husband. She opens the chamber and breathes a sigh of relief. It is not loaded. How could she be so foolish? How could she leave it scattered around with Lisa in the house? Although... her father never had such qualms. Many times he took to shooting at moles, whether he were drunk or not. As a child, Carol used to throw herself on the floor and cover her ears, while he laughed at her. She wonders why she kept the rifle, when they do not need it. None of them goes hunting and neither had his father. Maybe carrying it around made him feel like a man. Carol lowers her head. When she aimed at John, she proved she was truly her father's daughter. She feels furious. By no means does she want to resemble that beast. She holds the rifle with both hands and smashes it against the wall. She beats again and again until it falls from her hands, in pieces. She gives a deep breath and walks towards the house.

When she enters, Lisa is sitting in front of the TV, half asleep. Carol hangs her trench, kneels next to her and kisses he head.

"Did you have your tea?"

Lisa stretches and nods. She rubs her eyes and looks at Carol.

"John didn't want any tea. He says he spent the day at the casualty room."

"I know", Carol interrupts, "Where is he now? Did he go to bed?"

"I heard him getting in the bathtub. I think he's still there."

"Go to bed, Lisa. I'll clearthe kitchen."

Lisa stands up and points to the table.

"I wanted to make a wedding album, but I only had three pictures. I'd thought we could go to a nice park, after the ceremony, to take more, but then Andrew appeared." Lisa frowns. "He spoiled everything."

Carol picks the album and turns the pages.

"There will be other days, Lisa. We will take more pictures."

"Will we?" The child seems sceptical.

"We will. And now go to bed."

While Lisa goes up, Carol sits to see the album. Mmmm. Maybe her child has a future as a photographer. Pity that John and her looked so scared. There is one at the register office's entrance, another in the waiting room... It was the registry officer who took the last one, the three of them together. Neither John nor her look at the camera. They look into one another's eyes, both smiling broadly. Next to them Lisa, with a frown, pretends to be angry. Carol remembers then. It was when the child asked, as a joke, where would the reception take place and John had said:

"At the fish and chips down the corner. You're buying."

Carol and him had chortled. At that moment, without warning, the officer pressed click. How ironic. Anybody seeing the photo would think they were deeply in love.

Carol closes the album and holds her head between her hands. She thinks about John working from dawn to dusk, then sleeping in that uncomfortable couch. Anything to avoid her. She sighs. It was not fair to drag him into her mess. She stands up. There is still stew left in the pot, but she decides she is not hungry. She goes upstairs slowly. There is light in the bathroom. She does not care if John moans. Whatever he says, tonight he will sleep in the bed.

She opens the door and gets taken aback. She smiles coyly. John fell asleep in the bathtub. She looks at him without daring to make the slightest noise. He sleeps so soundly it would be a pity to wake him up. Drops of water slide down his cheek and neck. Carol's gaze glides down her husband's body. His pale chest seems chiselled in marble. Carol lowers her eyes towards his belly button, towards his thick pubic hair... She stops her gaze on his penis. She cannot say she enjoyed her wedding night, but she was surprised about how delicately he penetrated her, how silky his touch was. She remembers him hugging her, him looking into her eyes. The other times it had not been like that. Those times when her father had came into that very room, totally wasted. He never said anything; he did not even look at her. He just jumped on top of her and moved like a hammer nailing her to the bed. Carol was ten years old the first time he had done it. Suddenly, she shivers. She hugs her shoulders, on the verge of crying. John wakes up and stares at her, stunned.

"Carol?"

He attempts to stand, but she raises her palm, motioning him to stop. She grabs the sides of her pullover and starts taking it off. John barely dares to breathe while she gets naked. He is scared, because at that moment he wants her more than ever. Carol takes off her knickers and gets inside the bathtub. If there was almost no space for John's long legs, there is even less for both of them. The water starts to spill out, flooding the floor. Carol smiles, remembering that night on the back of her landrover. It seems they always meet in reduced spaces. She rests her head between John's neck and his left shoulder. Her husband's heart beats as if it were going to explode. Maybe instinctively, he surrounds her waist with his arms.

"You scared me to death today", Carol starts talking.

"Bah, it was nothing! That lady from the bank, who insisted I went to hospital."

"Nelly doesn't think the same... Ralphie."

John groans, realising he has been caught. He turns his face to the other side, unable to face her. Carol caresses his scar with her fingertips.

"I met her today at hospital, when I went looking for you", she goes on. "She's lovely. She told me about your family... and the accident."

Sadness clouds John's eyes.

"Why did you never tell me?", Carol asks.

"I never had the chance, with everything that was going on."

Carol caresses his cheek with her thumb.

"You once told me never to think I couldn't tell you things. Never think you can't tell things to me."

She kisses his chest gently, to encourage him to speak. John gives a deep breath and holds her tighter.

"Do you remember that ruined farmhouse, in the moor? The one where you and...", it costs him to say the name, "Andrew met?"

Carol nods her head.

"It belonged to my mum's uncle. He had a stroke and spent the last years of his life in a home. My parents visited him often. When he died, we found out he had left us the property and the little money he had. My parents had always wanted their own farm, like me. They knew that the place needed a lot of repairs, that it would take them a long time, but they didn't care. At that time, my dad worked as a brickie. We went there on weekends, with his workmates, to build our house. I was just a kid, but helped them to carry bricks. The day of the accident was a Sunday. We were returning home. It had been a cloudy day, but the rain started all of a sudden. I remember nothing. I fell asleep as soon as I sat on the car. When I woke up, I was in hospital. They told me I had slept for a whole week, and my little sister and my parents...", he bits his lower lip, trying not to cry. "They had asked for a loan, so the bank took the property. My granddad brought me up."

Carol sits up a little, searching for his gaze, but he refuses to look at her. Suddenly, the pendant she is wearing brushes his chest. John realises it is his mother's, the same one he had wanted to give her that Christmas. He holds it between his fingers and smiles at Carol for the first time.

"I've worn it since the wedding", she confesses, "Didn't you notice?"

"It's not very valuable, but that Christmas I had no money to buy you anything."

Carol holds the pendant.

"It's priceless to me. I adored it from the moment I saw it, but I felt so bad... You were giving me your heart, without realising I had treated you infernally."

"I don't care."

"I do care. I care about you."

John looks at her in disbelief.

"How was the funeral?"

Carol realises then.

"I didn't go."

"What?"

"I was about to leave when the bank phoned. I went to look for you atthe hospitals. I totally forgot."

"I'm sorry, Carol. Well, I suppose you can take him flowers any time."

"I don't want to."

"It's OK. I won't feel bad if you do."

"It's not because of you. I simply don't want to."

John raises an eyebrow. Carol goes on, feeling a great weight lifting from her shoulders.

"On our wedding day, Andrew lied."

"What do you mean? Is Lisa not your daughter?"

"Yes, she is. But not his."

"I don't understand. Then?"

"I never made love with Andrew. Not with anybody before you. Lisa...Promise me you won't tell her."

John nods, more and more intrigued.

"Since I was a child, my parents spent the nights drinking and quarrelling. I used to put a pillow on top of my head, so I wouldn't hear them. I prayed for my mother not to pass out on the couch, because when she did, my father came to my room."

John looks at her horrified.

"My mother never knew the truth, not even when I fell pregnant. Or maybe she chose not to know. Andrew didn't know either till many years later. We had decided to get married, and he found out the night before the wedding. He never turned up at the register."

John tries not to show, but it is obvious he is boiling with rage. He holds Carol tighter and tighter.

"When Andrew said Lisa was his daughter, at first I thought he did it for her, to save her the trauma. I later realised he only did it to upset you. To leave clear he had me first. As if I were his property."

Tears are running down Carol's cheeks, getting John's chest wet. His mouth makes a perfect straight line. His eyes are full of hate. Carol has never seen him so angry.

"All those times I had your father within my reach... That stinky beast! If I had known, I would have slit his throat, like a lamb. Or maybe it would be better to smash his brains with a stone. He was always drunk. It would be easy to make it look like an accident."

John's outburst amazes and pleases Carol. Her husband never looked more adorable to her than at that moment. She bursts out laughing. He looks at her puzzled.

"You think I wouldn't have the guts." John feels hurt.

"No, on the contrary. You would. But I know you well, John Standring", she holds his face in her hands, "You wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. Your next move would be going to the police station to give yourself up. And now you would be rotting in jail, instead of being here with me."

She leans to kiss his lips, but John grabs her by the shoulders.

"Did I hurt you?"

"What do you mean? When?"

"During our wedding night. Did I hurt you?"

Carol sighs and shakes her head.

"No. I was never afraid when I was with you."

She feels then that something changes forever inside her, although she cannot explain what it is. John says nothing. He caresses her cheek, all the sadness of the world in his eyes. Carol leans again. This time he does not try to stop her. Her half-open lips devour John's mouth. Her hair tickles his chest. John slides his hands down her back, while he gives back her kisses with a passion too long repressed. Suddenly, both slip and the water pours out of the bathtub, making a noisy splash. They laugh.

"Maybe we should go to a more comfortable place", she suggests.

"Maybe we should."

Carol gets out of the bathtub in a hurry. She stops by the door, on time to see John sliding down. The floor is so wet that he is forced to crawl in order not to fall flat on his nose. Carol bursts into laughter and runs away. John catches her halfway down the corridor. He holds her in his arms and rests her against the wall. Carol puts her legs around his hips. She bits her lower lip when she notices his growing erection. John kisses her breasts. Carol places her arms around his neck and whispers in his ear.

"We're going to wake up Lisa."

The thought of the little one finding them naked there makes John go red. He holds Carol tighter and walks with her in his arms towards the bedroom. He places her gently on top of the bed and turns to lock the door.

"Please, don't switch off the light", she asks.

"As you wish."

John smiles tenderly. He stands next to the door, suddenly shy. Carol opens the bedside table drawer and gets a condom. She opens the bag.

"Come here."

She slides the condom on his erect member and lies back on the bed. She feels comforted when John wraps her with his body. When she feels him inside her, Carol closes her eyes and abandons herself to him. She does not want to think about anything... while the night lasts.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Carol wakes up suddenly. The brightness makes her aware that the day has dawned. She stretches like a kitten, without any wish to get up. The sheets are still wet. She smiles ashamed and extends her left arm. The other side of the bed is empty. John, naughty boy, where did you go?, she thinks to herself. She then realises that Lisa is at the bedroom door, frowning and with her arms folded. Carol covers herself with the sheets.

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty." The child's tone is ironic. "Are you planning to get up or is it still too early?"

Carol rubs her eyes.

"What time is it?"

"Nine."

"Nine?". Carol sits up and looks desperately for something to wear. She finally finds one of John's shirts on the floor.

"Why are you not in school?"

Lisa smiles mischievously.

"I don't know. Maybe because it's Saturday?"

Carol finishes buttoning the shirt.

"If I were you, I wouldn't go to the bathroom", Lisa goes on, "It's completely flooded."

"Yes, I know. A pipe burst. John and I were trying to mend it."

"Ah, that's what they call it these days!", Lisa laughs.

Carol gives her a murderous look.

"Where's John? In the kitchen?"

"John left", Lisa says.

"What?" Carol cannot believe it.

"A while ago. The noise woke me up. I looked through the window and I saw him getting into a cab." The child's face becomes frightened. "He's coming back, isn't he?"

Carol sits on the bed and takes a deep breath. She's wondering the same, but she does not want to scare Lisa. She pretends nothing happens.

"Of course he's coming back, you fool. He just went to pick his car."

Lisa breathes a sigh of relief. Carol pulls her hair back.

"Would you make me a tea, Lisa? I'll be down as soon as I get dressed."

The child nods and leaves the room. Carol places her hands on her temples, trying to think clearly. He just went to pick his car. That is the most logical explanation. She goes to the wardrobe and opens the door. She is sure John kept a rucksack there, but she cannot find it. Many of his clothes have also disappeared. Carol grabs the wardrobe door, feeling she is going to fall down. It happened. John abandoned her. And she is the only one to blame.

TO BE CONTINUED


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter IV

John pays the cab and gets his rucksack. Fortunately, the car is still where he left it the previous day. He had been unable to remember if he had locked it. He opens the boot and puts the rucksack inside. And now, where to? He has distant relatives in Nottingham, but he has not seen them since his granddad's funeral. They do not even know he got married. How is he going to tell them he is separating less than a month later? No. He needs a quiet place to think, and he will not get that surrounded by people asking questions. What about Liverpool? His granddad had taken him there once, when he was fourteen. He had loved the port. He had dreamt about boarding a ship and travelling around the world. How ironic. He did not move from the village in all these years. Why did not he leave the farm after Carol ran away? He could have found a better job easily. He stayed for her. Because he always held the stupid hope of her returning. John opens the car door and sits on the drivers' seat. Last night with Carol proved to him it is time to move on. Last night she gave herself to him, body and soul, but John knows it cannot last. At any moment, she will be yearning for her precious Andrew. John realises he feels pity for her. He could have made her very happy, if only Carol had let him. He adjusts the rear-view mirror and looks at his reflection. He is still young, and since he stopped dressing like the village idiot he even seems handsome. He has the right to be loved. He does not have to accept Carol's leftovers. He tightens the seat belt and checks his watch. It's half past nine. It is too early to phone Nelly. She finishes her shift very late, and at this moment she must be sleeping. He just wants to tell her not to worry, he is fine. He rests his hands on the wheel. Is he really fine? His doubts last only a few seconds. He starts the car and sets for Liverpool.

xxxxxxxx

Carol finishes clearing the kitchen and sits in front of the TV, with a cup of tea. It is a documentary about lorries which does not interest her at all, but she needs the noise. She is on her own. Lisa went to Flamingo Land for the day with a school friend. The girl's parents promised to bring her back on time for tea. Lisa did not ask any more questions, but she obviously suspects John left for good. Becky is right. Why would he stay?

"Because I need him", Carol says aloud.

Of course, her conscience says. You need his money. You need his work in the farm. You need somebody to comfort you when you cannot go on. But did you stop to consider if you are what he needs?

The wind bangs against the window, opening it all of a sudden. It comes direct from the moor. Carol stands to close it and sees the ruined farmhouse in the distance. Andrew is calling her. He waits for her there, like so many times before. Carol knows she has to go. If she does not go now, she will never be free. She puts on her anorak and runs uphill.

xxxxxxxx

John is filling up at the petrol station when a blue car parks next to him. Dr. Lawton gets out and they greet one another. Despite the rage that family provokes him, John feels pity when he sees the way he looks. He seems to have grown ten years older in the last few weeks. Another life Andrew took.

"Is Carol OK?", the doctor asks.

"Of course", John answers, poker faced. "Why shouldn't she be?"

"I thought she would attend the funeral."

"I didn't forbid her to go."

Dr. Lawton leans on the car door. He seems fragile and tired.

"Forgive me, John. I didn't mean to imply... I don't even know what I say these days. I keep wondering why Andrew did it." He is still looking in John's direction, but he is staring out vacantly. "What did I do wrong? Was it because I did not let him marry Carol?"

John bits his lower lip, angry.

"Your son was an adult, Dr. Lawton. If he had really wanted to marry Carol, there would have been no way on earth to stop him."

"Andrew was so young..."

"So was Carol!", John screams.

The doctor bursts into tears. John goes bright red.

"Forgive me, Dr. Lawton. I behaved like a beast."

The doctor says it does not matter, but John makes him sit on the car and fetches him a coffee from the machine. He leans on the bonnet while the doctor drinks.

"Forgive me for making a scene, son", Dr. Lawton apologizes. "You have reasons enough to tell us all to go to hell."

John does not dare to face him, still ashamed.

"Will you be able to drive, Dr. Lawton? If you want, I can give you a lift anywhere."

The doctor smiles gratefully.

"I will be fine, John."

He stands to dispose of the empty cup, but John takes it from his hand and says he will do it. While he walks towards the bin, he thinks about Carol again. He imagines her that day at the register office, waiting for somebody who never came. Andrew was just a coward. But he is not. John pays for the petrol and gets ready to leave. Back in his car, he goes past Dr. Lawton again, who waves at him.

"By the way, son, where are you going?"

"In the right direction", John answers.

xxxxxxxxx

Carol wraps herself on her anorak, freezing. The farmhouse ruins are damp. She stares at the duvet where she and Andrew used to sit. Was it always so mouldy? And those traces of blood, all that mud on the floor... Their names are still there, but Andrew is not. There is nothing left there but death. The place she loved so much is now hateful to her.

"I want to die for you", Andrew had said on several occasions.

But it is easy to die. What is difficult is to live. Would have she been happy living with Andrew? Carol comes out of the farmhouse and sits on a rock. She rests her head on her knees.

"You were like the wind, Andrew", she thinks. "It appears from time to time, tangles my hair and then leaves. John is like this rock I'm sitting down. You don't realise it's there, but the moor would collapse with the first rains if it were not there. John is my rock."

She looks downhill. Her home is waiting for her there, her beloved Lisa is waiting for her... is John waiting for her? She leaps to her feet, her heart about to explode in her chest. That is John's car! Carol starts running towards Sparkhouse.

xxxxxxxxxxx

John gets out of the car slowly and looks around. There seems to be nobody at home. Something on the floor attracts his attention. It is Mr. Bolton's rifle, smashed to pieces. Would it be stupid to expect a miracle?

"John!"

It is Carol's voice. She is running towards him, almost out of breath. She literally throws herself in his arms. He nearly falls down. She grabs him by the lapels and kisses him savagely. Her face is boiling after her race.

"Don't leave me, John", she cries. "Please, don't leave me."

John holds her face in his hands. He kisses her eyes, drinking her tears at the same time.

"Do you really want me to stay?"

She nods, desperate. John sighs and smiles. He does not want Carol to notice he wishes to shout for joy.

"Well, then I'll have to stay."

They cling to an embrace, without any space left between their bodies. John glimpses the ruined farmhouse on top of the hill, like a shadow threatening them.

"You will not take this one from me", he thinks to himself. "I dare you to try."

Carol feels the moor wind on her back, but she will be strong and will not turn back. John's arms give her strength to resist. Down here with him she feels alive, and the only thing she wants is to live.

THE END


End file.
